i've been thinking about the past a lot lately. and it's depressing. i love To Write Love On Her Arms. they are an amazing organization and what they do is really relatable to me. i used to cut. yeah. if people are ever talking about knives or needles or something and you see me messing with my wrists, it's because i get this really weird feeling in them when i freak out or people talk about stuff like that. even though most of the actual cuts weren't 0n my arms, they were on my legs. i hate swimming. my left thigh is pretty messed up. for a while my right leg actually said a word. that was fun to explain to the people in my swimming class. yeah. "oh that. it's just a really strange birthmark, not a scar. no way." but i was reading about TWLOHA in second period for my research paper and i was reading the girl's story. i can't remember her name, but she was addicted to drugs and cut. and i was into alcohol. right now i can pretty much control the urge to cut, but the drinking is kind of hard to ignore. i just really want a drink. really bad. and the person that convinced me to stop isn't really that big a part of my life anymore. she really did change my life, i don't know if she really knows how much she did. but yeah. my bestest friend sam was more of wanting me to stop cutting. she knew what was going on...and it killed her. i didn't want her to know. i still don't want her to know that when she thought i stopped i really was still doing it for a while after. you know it's bad when you're just doing your world history and the girl behind you just glances at your arm and says "omg what happened are you okay?!" i think i used my cat as an excuse, sorry about lying kayla. i love you =) i have been thinking too much lately. i realized today that i have no future. at all. i really can't see myself past high school. i'm sure other people can see themselves having some kind of life. i kind of just fade out into nothing. i have no skills and i have pretty much stopped caring about school. the sad thing is i know all this and am doing nothing to do better. i told myself i was going to, but i lie to myself more than anyone else. i don't know why i even bother waking up sometimes. it's pretty much pointless. i shouldn't be sad. everything is actually going pretty good right now. i hate myself for being sad. i know quite a few people who are worse off than i am by a lot but are still pretty content with themselves. i actually considered getting high the other day. no. that is not happening. i don't know why. i just, i don't know. i'm horrible. this is a stupid blog. fuck. i don't care. i have to get off the computer in fifteen minutes. i feel like crying. damn the past. damn the future. i hate thinking. all that i can think about without completely falling apart right now is what is currently happening. like talking to dustin. or comedy central. trying to think about the endless dark that is my future is too overwhelming. i need to stop being depressing. think mama mia. =) that really does make me smile. just this one moment makes me want to hug him. but nobody knows what moment that is, not even melissa, who was there. so i win. haha. ha.
