there's a lot that i have to say. but i am afraid to be heard. i keep it all to myself, carry it around with me through out the days until i unleash it through the keys onto the sacred thing that is blogger. i'm pretty sure that absolutely no one reads any of this. it just makes me feel better to get it out there in the world. so that there is even a small chance that i will reach someone, that someone might read about what's going on in my life and understand.
i realize that i am not the most troubled person in the world. hell, i'm not the most troubled in this neighborhood. i do have troubles though. i struggle against myself and others. always second guessing and doublethink* at times.
"there's goes my hero, he's ordinary" for some reason those words mean more to me then i think that they would normally. the foo fighters are always there when i need them. and now it's disturbed. i think that x103 understands my needs today. it's like they are playing music just for me. i just need angry, passionate music right now. sounds good to me.
got some problems going on right now. i'm trying to repair broken relationships and save the one that means the most to me right now. me and dustin are having some problems i think. or maybe they are just in my head, and i'm seeing flaws just because i'm afraid. he really is a great guy. i'm just overly sensitive about some stuff i guess. or maybe i'm normal and he just doesn't get that even when he plays around about some stuff it hurts? i don't know. it's hard to know about things like this when you're just fifteen years old trying to get by. it's hard enough for me to try to balance all these things out and get B's. i'm worried about myself but i don't really care enough to try and help myself. i don't think that this is a good thing. probably a fatal flaw, my achilles heel is my apathy.
i am glad that i am taking etymology next year. i really want to expand my vocabulary. it's so elementary it kills me. i can't get out my emotions correctly because i can't find the right words. i know that they are out there too, i just don't know them. gah!
i am just having trouble keeping happy lately. i thought that i was concealing my frustration and depression well today. then in chemistry i just started tear up...and after school i said good-bye to my friend; when she got out of the car and the door closed my mother asked me if i had a bad day because i was acting cantankerous. i guess he had more of an affect on my mood than i thought. i was pretty upset about him not talking to me or anything after school. i feel so powerless when he does that. like i've failed at something. it's a terrible feeling. i don't like feeling it. we play around like that too much. it kills me.
i've written a lot i think. i just have no one that i can tell stuff like this to that will listen objectively and not judge me. well, there are probably a couple people but i can't trust them with things like this. best to just leave it up to the globe to know my deepest secrets.
OH MAN! three days grace-pain! i knew that the X had me in mind today. thank you radio gods. i am now going to rock out.
PEACE~~

*you have to have read 1984 to understand that reference. it's by george orwell. go pre-AP english.