oh the rain is so refreshing. i stood outside my school in it for so long today. by the time that my mother finally came to pick me up i was dripping wet. my hair didn't look so good, but it felt amazing. i really truly love the rain. dustin was out there with me for a while. then his ride came and he went away. i guess that diedra told him one of us needed to get a car so that i could pleasure him? she didn't tell me that part of it; she only said that i needed to get my license and a car. i do want those things, just not for that reason. that is a creepy reason haha. i don't think that we're all the way there yet anyway. just for anyone that's reading this to know. i love him though(: i've recently become reallyyyy interested/obsessed with postsecret. my friend taylor has been letting me read her books for that past two days. well two books. i think that she might have another one. i'm not sure. but i wrote out three pages of secrets that i was to turn into postcards and send to him. i want to be a part of something with such a beautiful background. i read one today that said something like, "i wish that i could take away all of the people's pain that send in their secrets. you might not ever meet me but i love you and you are my friend." i actually felt better. that's what i want to be a part of. something beautiful. something that actually means something. i wish that my life was that meaningful. i just sort of exsist. i want to live, you know? the first secret on the paper i wrote is "i want to be a teenage tragedy." i actually thought about that in first period. i want to die young, really young. i want people to remember as i am now i think. i want loads of people, young people, to turn up at my funeral and i want them to face that i am gone. i don't want to die years from now after others have died or forgotten about me. i want to be burned into their memory, the girl that died in high school. i know that is really really bad, but that's what i realized. it was during a drunk driving video at school in health. it was a really sad video. i think i might really want to do that so that no one is disappointed in me. they will always imagine and think about what i would have become, not what i did and how bad i turned out. i'm really afraid of letting people down. i don't really have the potential to be something great. i don't want to face how mediocre i am. it's terrible. i hate it. well i don't really know what else to say. i've been pretty deep actually. let's talk about light stuff. yesterday i hung out with sam and melissa at wanamaker. me and melissa walked through these people's yard on the way to sam's house and then walked back through on the way back with sam. and this guy came out of his house just as we were leaving his yard and started yelling at us to "never go through his yard ever again." it was an old fat guy with gross hair and a white wife beater on. i think that next time i will just walk the line between his yard and his neighbors. i hate white trash. sam's mom's camera is such an orgasm. just the sound makes me hot, haha. i want to steal it but then her mom wouldn't care for me anymore. oh well. i love my ghetto camera anyway. oh, that list of secrets? dustin read it. and he doesn't hate me! though i don't know why he would. the BIG one isn't on that list. i'm never writing that one down. i'm taking it to my grave. i'm such a terrible person. you have no idea. anyway; german/french club was today. german actually had food. once i lost a round of this game me and erin skipped out and went to french. we stood outside for a minute because i got super nervous for some reason. we were actually about to walk away when dustin's friend walked by us and then went in and told him that i was out there. otherwise i am pretty sure we would have wandered the halls. i am glad that she did that. i got to hang with erin, anne, and dustin. he's my favorite person you know. omg he's the greatest listener ever! i didn't really realize how unjudgemental he was until this week. i think i could tell him that i am sure i was the product of alien relations with my mother and that they were coming back for me on my birthday to take me back to planet crayon and he would only think that i was a little crazy! (i don't think that, btw.) he's a great guy. i can't believe that he choose to be with me when there are so many other great people out there that he could be with. and they wouldn't be as sensitive and stupid either. gah. he just figured out from the secret paper that i get sad when he jokes around and ignores me or leaves me without really saying by. it's stupid because i know he's joking. i don't want him to be different around me or have to try to be nicer. i feel kind of like a little kid because of the way he said it. "i don't want to make you feel that way. i'm going to try to be nicer to you." i don't know why it makes me feel like a kid, but it does. i think that this is the longest post ever. i guess it makes up for the crap one from the last time i posted. just felt like pouring my soul out i suppose. oh christ! i just remembered that i have a field trip tomorrow! crap! i told brook that i would be there. maybe i can tell alaine to tell her sorry for me at lunch. i need money. and i need to dress up. but worse of all... i don't get to see dustin. D;
