mhm. i haven't posted in a while. i used up all my voice and couldn't think of anything to say to you good people. (SAM) part of that might be that i've started telling people almost everything. but i don't know who to tell this to.
my love is having some depression issues i think. it makes mine a lottttttt worse. then i feel bad because him being sad makes me sad and i can't tell him because i'm trying to make him feel better and it's just an evil circle. i really want him to feel better. he's eighteen almost nineteen and newly graduated from high school. about to head off to college somewhere. he should NOT be sitting around with a fifteen year old girl friend and a bunch of high school friends. he has the potential to be amazing. i love this kid. he's...my soul. haha. i feel like a typical "teenage girl in love". but i really do love this guy. i've never felt so instantly connected. he hurts, i hurt. he's happy, i'm happy. but when he's sick i'm not, lol. he doesn't see how great he is. he puts himself down and worries about everything. he holds himself back without knowing it; maybe he does know. he keeps a lot to himself and i tell him so much. i want him to be able to trust me with whatever is bothering him. even if it is about me. especially if it is about me. he just joked about killing himself. after how he's been talking i'm worried. i used to "joke" about that. only deep down i wasn't joking. he might not know how much i could understand him. i want him to know that. but i don't know how to tell him. i can't even ask him to hang out. DAMN MY SHYNESS! i want to help him feel better about himself. maybe...i don't know. i should eliminate a worry? i know he worries some about hurting me. maybe i should hurt myself and let him go. he wouldn't ever have to know how bad it hurt, you know? we won't be at school anymore. and unless we get invited to the same party or something we won't see each other. i can keep my shit off the internet. well, the internet that he could see. it might be better for him. i don't know. thinking about that makes me sick. i am actually tearing up. but...i don't want to hold him back from stuff. i don't know. i just...i really love him. D;
well i got out what i needed to say. i feel worse and better. i don't know if this is good or not.
