well. i am in a mood. i am not sure why. though i feel i am coming out of it. which is good. i was going to pour my soul into this but i just decided not too.
i can't tell people anything too personal. if they knew me i fear that they would turn and run. i've used this for too long to get out of telling people what's going on. i write down what i feel and cast it away so i don't have to think about it. that is what i have always done. just the methods that i use changed. i hate keeping myself from people. but i think letting them get too close is just stupid. the last time i did that...
it didn't end well. it still hurts actually. sometimes, i cry. just because. not because i miss her, not because i want to be with her, but because i hurt.
i love dustin. i really really do. i am just going to be careful with how close i let him get. he's already further than he should be. i trust him more than i should considering i'm the type of person that gets cheated on. it just happens. i understand.
i don't really know what i wanted to talk about. i'm bouncing along through random issues trying to find the one that is making me feel this way. it could be that i am losing people all around. taylor abandoned me, dustin is leaving, more people that i can count are dying. i kind of can't handle it. no doubt my grandma is on her way. she gets sick and hurt too often.
i think i might have figured it out. promise rings. i am going to look up what they mean. just a moment.

1. Promise Ring - a ring that someone give to their guy/girl friend that signifies their pure love for eachother and that they will always be faithful to them...pretty much a less iron clad wedding ring for teens

2. Promise Ring - a ring teens, mostly girls, wear to say that they wont have sex till marriage. Mostly done for religious reasons.

i told him it was for abstinence too. but he said it was only the first one. oh well. what do i know. i don't know why him saying it was up to me made me feel like this. simple question. simple answer. it might have been too much. more than just a plain yes/no for him. i don't know. i think i would have prefered a "no" to the copout that i got. i know i'm strange. i really do prefer the truth i guess. people lying to me in relationships is just crushing from what i can tell. "let's take a break." what the hell does that mean? just break up with me, you pussy. i am still mad about that. ugh. fuckkkkkkkkkkk.
i think i just figured out why his nonanswer bothered me. they are a sign of love and loyalty, right? what if he doesn't want people that he meets to know that he loves me. so that he can be unloyal? i'm going to cry. i hate it when i think too much. i don't even really want the damn things.

please don't break my heart.