so i haven't had a period in over eight months, right? and then the day before my boyfriend is going to come over i have one out of no where. >:[ i get so pissed at god sometimes. he has a mean sense of humor. ugh. so i'll be shitty all day. my dad thought that i was depressed or something today. i wasn't exactly in the greatest mood but...i'll tell you all about that in a moment. i'm just pissy about having my period right now. ugh. :[ it made me cry earlier. and then i got really mad. oh, when dustin comes over i will be so fun. just kidding. /=
so here is what has been eating me up as of late:
- i can't seem to get dustin leaving out of my brain. in fact, earlier when he suggested that he not come over because of my current predicament i almost cried because i'm not too sure about when i will see him again after this. it might be our last day together for a LONG time. and i hate that. i mean, i am really proud of him for getting into a good school and deciding what he wants to do. that is really good for him. people are impressed when i tell them what my boyfriend is going to college for haha. its just that he is going just far enough away to where i can't see him too often. i think i will see him a day or two before he leaves at a concert. so i know that i will fer sure see him then. but...yeah. its just hard. i explained the whole promise ring worry in the last post. that isn't helping me either. i wanna spend all the time i have left with that boy. heart breaks are not fun.
- GIRLS! they are everywhere. have you noticed? they hit on him. they become his best friends. they have sleep overs. and them BAM. he's fucking them before he even knows what has happened. haha. i am such a pessimist. but really. he has a lot of girl friends. he spends lots of his time with them. individually i think. sometimes there is another girl mentioned at the same time as another. he's a really likable guy. i don't know how any girl stands just being friends. i wouldn't be able to. maybe that's just me. i get insanely jealous though. like i can't even think about anything else for days. i think about what all could happen that i would never know about. i spend a tiny bit of time with other guys. not enough to notice. he just realized that i don't like him sleeping over with girls the other night. and that i was jealous. then i guess he felt bad because he would be jealous too. and there you have it.
- what if i am smothering him? i mean, he felt like he had to call me when he was with trey and dustin just because he stopped texting me. and then he said that he would stop spending the night at other girls' houses because it made me feel bad. i don't want to make him do or stop doing things. it's not what i want him to do. i hate controlling people. i don't want to be that way. it's a terrible way to be. and it makes him resent me after a while. so he'll want to cheat on me. and then there will be sleep overs with other girls that don't involve sleeping. and i'll be out of luck.
- taylor. taylortaylortaylor. grow up! i know that you are in love with my ex-bestfriend who is now my friend. but she doesn't love you. she won't love you. jesus christ. she likes this boy that lives in my neighborhood. stop making a fool of yourself. just get over it. and "rocker man." /= you may think that i am just being mean when i talk to you about him, but it's because you haven't listened to a year of my reasoning. i tried for a year to nicely try and get you to leave him alone or stop being infatuated with him. please. it will just keep hurting you if you don't stop. and this business about me choosing not to be friends with you. sure. you told me "get out of my life." i think that conveys that you don't want to be my friend. i just took the hint and went away.
- school. it hasn't even started and already i am stressing out. i haven't read shit that i needed to. i need to find the spark notes and just read those. it has taken me too long to get through the great gadsby. i'm not even done with it right now. i've finished only one book. and i hear that class is crazy hard. and so is physics. fuck high school and physics. i want earth science and elementary school please. and i just really don't want to go back there. i've gotten used to seeing him between some classes and during lunch. and during art. i shouldn't have signed up to take it again. i won't have ian in my class either. so...i've fucked. ha. i don't think that this year will be very great. in fact, i think my best year has already passed. and i'm only going to be a junior. and it was only good for a semester. wow i have a sad view on life. but that first terrible semester seems like ages ago. things have gotten a lot better. that should show me something i guess.
- driving. shit. i don't want to take that class and show everyone how i drive like shit. i hate the assholes at this school. they'll just be mean to me about all of everything. i do really want to drive though. and i am getting lots of pressure to drive from my dad. not so much from my mom, but a little bit. jerry hints that he might get me a car. a "family" car. but it will be a year or two before richard can drive. so essentially it's going to my my car until then. driving is such a right of passage thing for this family. i'll fuck it up and they'll be even more disappointed in me. doesn't that sound like fun.
- sex. ;o i don't know for sure if i am ready for that yet or not. i mean, i want to. oh baby do i want to. it's just. i read something a couple weeks ago that made me think about it a little differently. this girl's friends were making fun of her for being a virgin and she finally said, "anytime i want i can go and become like you. but you can never go back and become like me." it just really made me realize that it's permanent. you can't go back and act like it never happened. so much bad shit can happen from it. stds, pregnancy, gyno visits. haha. i know that lots of people think it's fun and that it feels good and shit. that is why i want to do it. not to mention the raging hormones and giant attraction to my boyfriend. plus, i want to do it before he goes away forever. because i do want him to be my first. and i want to be his first more than anything. he's almost already had a first. but we don't need to talk about that.
- with the whole having sex thing comes him seeing me naked. that wouldn't bother me so much if i wasn't so fucking hairy. i mean, i hate it! if you catch a glimpse of my arms just guess what other parts of me look like. it's not hard to imagine that i evolved from a monkey. and my acne is terrible. it's on my back and my neck and my chest and my face. it's all over. and it's gross. who wants to do anything with that? i wouldn't blame him for not wanting to do anything with me. i'm gross. and i'm flabby. not equally proportioned. it sucks.
- speaking of sucking, i have this really big...urge? to give him a bj. haha. but he's had one. so he would know how bad i was or compare me to the other one that he had. i hate being compared to other people. i always lose. at least with sex i know that he can't judge me against another girl. or guy. haha. i know that i won't be good enough for him, i'll turn him off and he'll start wanting other girls more than he wants me.
- i've kind of been waiting since the moment we started dating for him to leave me for another girl. i try not to get my hopes up about anything because i am not sure if anything is going to last. when i told sam that i was going to get us tickets for warped tour and that dustin wanted to see me there she got all excited and i told her that he probably wouldn't want to me around me by then. when we first started dating she told me that he would probably leave me for his ex jessa whenever they started being around eachother again. whenever he says he's coming over i always prepare myself for him saying he can't come or him just not coming over. i think the worst will happen all the time. i do that with everyone. a lot of the time i just don't do things because i anticipate the let down too much and decide that it's not worth it. i'm the most nervous person alive. i don't know how to deal with it. growing up scares me so much. being in love scares me to death. giving my whole self to one person who can break me into tiny pieces if they wanted to? who wouldn't think that is a scary thing. but i genuinely think that he is a good guy. he tries to be anyway. i know that he cares about me. sometimes more than i think he does. and he's sweet. he knows me better than almost anyone else does. it's amazing. i just hope that it doesn't end badly. that would just. i wouldn't be able to open up to anyone for a while.
well there you go. now you know about a bunch of shit that has been bothering me. i think that now would be a good time to sleep. or get into bed anyway. i better not bleed all over anything or i will be more fucking shitty than ever before. haha. pms makes me curse a lot. incase you hadn't noticed.
goodnight.
! you dont know the real me.
