everyone has really drained me of happy today. taylor is always so tiring to talk to. always "i want to die. no one cares about me. tomo will never want me. my life sucks. it would be better for everyone if i just went away." blah blah blah. I DON'T CARE! i mean, really. i can only reassure you so many times before i just get fed up with you. i have problems too. and when i try to talk about them with you, you just say something like this: "yeah, i know how you feel about dustin moving away. tomo lives so far away and i barely ever get to talk to him...etc." fuck no you don't understand how i feel. you and tomo's "relationship" is completely made up. you are "in love" with a man that is much too old for you, has a girlfriend, and , frankly, doesn't know that you exist. that account on facebook that you talk to? fake. that account for fans on there? fake. if the band doesn't have those accounts posted on their official myspaces or websites then they don't exist. they aren't real. people are pretending to be them. don't tell me that you know what i am going through with all this. you barely ever even have relationships with people that you know in person. you are still dating a girl that you have never seen.
i know that your life is troubling. that is why i don't say anything to you, or i try not to. whenever you bitch about all this i just let it slide. you don't even need a real response from me. just the occasional "yeah" or "i know" or "you will." nothing with substance. there's no real point to telling you anything that matters because you will just disagree with me anyway. when i tell you why you shouldn't kill yourself, why your life matters, you just brush me off. tell me that i am wrong and keep on with the pity party. when i tell you that you are pretty and that you will only get prettier as it all goes on, you tell me you don't want to wait and that it will never happen. i am so tired of all of this. i have taken so much shit from you and said nothing.
don't take me for granted anymore. i am here for you, i am. but i don't plan on standing by silently and letting you do whatever you want anymore. i know that all this is how you escape from your mom, dad, brother, and almost step dad. but i really don't deserve to be treated like this. like shit. like you can say or do anything you want to me and i will still be here. i don't like it. not one little bit.
and you, boyfriend, i love you. i really do. you rarely ever do anything that makes me mad. but all this gay talk? i don't like it. i know you're not gay. i know that you're joking. i really don't like thinking about it though. i've been cheated on. it's not fun. i know you won't do it. but still. joking about cheating on me with trey and dustin isn't nice. occasionally it is okay. and all this about keeping what is bothering you from me but telling me that you have breakdowns or that you're depressed isn't good. you need to talk to me. how can i trust you if i don't think that you trust me? i push myself to trust you because i think that it might help you open up more about stuff to me. but it's really not working. i don't know what else to do. i don't make you talk about stuff because i don't want to seem too pushy or smothering. just tell me what i can do to make you trust me. that's all i want right now.
i don't really think you'll want me once you get out into the world and see what is all out there. i know you aren't going to college for that, but that's what happens there. you meet interesting people. we're a statistic, you know. high school relationships never last according to the numbers. i am the ultimate statistic. child of divorced parents, depressed teenager, struggles with self abuse, confused about my sexuality. i am the ultimate stereotype. why wouldn't everything else turn out to go with the numbers too? i've been left for someone online. online! my personality and the person seeing me everyday were no match for this person online. you are going to stop seeing me and go to a place full of other people your age that are there for the same thing that you are. you will make connections. i guarantee that there will be people that seem to be my personality clone and look much better.
and you sure changed your mind fast about sex. for the longest time you were all, "no no no. i'm not ready and i don't think i want to for a while. at least not until it's legal." now you're all about triyng to find a time to do it. i'm glad you want to, i am. its just weird to me for some reason. i don't know. i do want to. i'm nervous. you know that.
i am really not worried about me finding someone else. i don't want anyone else. you make me feel happier when i am with you than anyone else does. when i see that you're calling i get butterflies, still. i love you. a lot. nobody else compares.
we don't have the best text conversations lately. what if this is how it is when you're gone? then you'll surely get bored with me. feel trapped, and want a way out. you've tried to break up with me before. i know how it starts. i don't want you out of my life, but if you do break up with me, i don't think that i will be able to just be your friend. not being able to touch you when i see you or say whatever i want when we talk would hurt. it's not what i want. that fwb idea sounded better. but i don't know how it would work.
ugh. i need to stop thinking about this. haha. i'm done.











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i feel a little better now actually.