i'm so self destructive. i think subconsciously i don't want to have a future. i worry myself sometimes. but then, i guess if i actually cared then i would try and change myself. i think about the future but it feels like i'm seeing what i want for someone else not myself. it's the strangest feeling. like i never think i will actually get any of those things. i've given up on my dreams. low expectations bring no disappointment. having high hopes is a little pointless after being let down so many times.
an essay that i wrote is getting published. i was really excited. and then my mom wouldn't give me time of day. so i just cried. i hate that, don't you? she was the only one that i really cared about knowing, and she just brushed me off the first time i tried to tell her. later she came back and asked me what i wanted, and i showed her, and she cried. i wrote the stupid essay about her. that is the only way i ever win anything with my writing. and i'm serious. i must write very well about my mother by now. hahaha. i guess that's good. i'll just make my living writing essays about her and begging outside of Starbucks and highway exits.
hopes are for people that don't know anything about reality. i've been told enough times that i will never realize even my most simple dreams to know that much. i'm such a pessimist, but it's true. even though i really believe that me and dustin we be together for a long time, i get worried every time he even pretends that he's mad at me that he will break up with me and i'll never see him again. that is what would happen too. which is very depressing. i've never been with someone that could break up with me and drop off the face of the earth if they wanted to. that scares me.
well anyway. enough of that. i think that if i can pull myself away from tumblr and myspace i will go read The Perks of Being a Wallflower some more. i'm almost done with it. it is an amazing book.
good night.