okay, i have had some struggles with my depression lately. it seems to have just resurfaced out of no where. and i asked my boofran if he wanted to know when i had problems with it. (problems being a relapse involving either cutting or just taking random amounts of pills.) he said that he did. but when i told him about it he got REALLY shitty. and said that if he told me what he was thinking i would feel worse and we would fight.
next day: i can tell that something is wrong, he's mad at me. i ignored it because i didn't want to think about it. i tried to be overly happy making myself feel worse in the process. i am pretty much blown off that day.
next day: i asked him if we were okay. and he said, "i guess." then i told him that we needed to talk about it. i was almost in tears at the damn mall. not the best place for a breakdown, but you know. he said that it wasn't a big deal and he was sorry for being an asshole about something completely different than what i was referring to.

so pretty much he just doesn't want to talk about our problems and just seems mad at me all the time. i feel helpless. i don't know how to fix it. we just aren't doing good right now. and i am realizing how terrible i am going to feel when/if he leaves me. but if he is unhappy and i am unhappy, maybe it is for the best?
i really don't think that. at all. UGH.
fuck my life.

we need to fucking talk. if i, the most awkward and socially inept person in the world, know that we need to talk then so should he.




i'm done ranting now.