me and boyfriend need to get it together. i mean, really? we've been together a year. we shouldn't be acting like this. afraid to talk about things that need to be talked about. yeah i know it's scary. i know that we don't want to lose each other, but we will if we keep on going like we are right now.
it's stupid to try and act like there isn't a problem and to make up excuses as to why we aren't going to talk about it. STUPID. if i knew what was wrong, i would start the conversation. i've been trying, but with the information that i have i really can't do much.
it is eating me alive.
i can't take the awkward silences and dry conversations. the lack of alone time and the avoidance of my hand. i said sorry, i don't know what else i can do. i haven't taken any pills at all in a week, almost two. you have no idea how good that is for me. all i've had were vitamins.
jesus. i don't know what he wants. i can't even guess. i get that he is disappointed in me, i get that. i get that he is hurt, i probably would be too. but if he isn't going to talk about it then he doesn't have any right to keep making me feel this way. i'm a big girl. he's a big boy. we're in a relationship. he needs to fucking talk to me.
if he can't trust me by now then what the hell are we doing?
ugh. i don't even know what i want to do. i miss him when he's there. i miss how we used to be. it's not even how were were a year ago, it's how were were a month ago. i don't like change. this is an example of why.
fuck my life. i need someone to kick him in the ass and make him talk to me. i really don't care if we fight about it. at least if we fight we can make up. but with this whole silent business, we can't do anything but get worse. /=
sorry that i ranted. i just needed to get it out there. just knowing that it's possible someone will read this makes me feel a lot better.
i wish that he would read this and talk to me about it. that's all i want. send me all the messages while i am sleeping if you need to. get on myspace and message me about it. send me an email. leave me a voicemail or two. write me a goddamn letter for all i care. i just need to know what's wrong so that i can figure out how to fix it.
afterall, it's my fault that we are even in this predicament. 
and that makes it all the worse.