this is around my 90th post. i've had this blog for a couple years.
everything i write about is worth nothing. my life is one big pile of shit. i never accomplish anything except hurting people and getting hurt. its really unhealthy for me to constantly think this way. i should really stop sometime.
but i won't so i don't know why i am even talking about that. i lie to myself so much its silly.
i just switched the font to helvetica to make myself feel better. i find that very sad.
so this is how today's events played out:
- woke up genuinely nervous about facing sam today at school after the shit that went down last night. so i wake up and forget a few things at home but eventually get over that later.
- i get told by emily that is all my fault anyway that sam is mad at me. unsaid words: "you're the bitch in the situation not her so you need to just shut up and deal with it." so i talk to her for a few minutes and figure out that she seems to be not mad at me just a bitch at times.
- sam never finds me by my locker, in the cafeteria, and i never see her during the day at all. she had told me the night before that she was going to give me a bunch of shit that i had given her so i was waiting for something crazy all day that never came.
- after school we get into a weird twitter fight since that was the only way that she would communicate with me. i text her that i don't want to fight anymore because i consider her my sister and she laughs and says that she never considered me her sister, never would, and has never even considered it. that pretty much tore my heart up because i meant what i said.
- we talked for a long time. i sat outside for two hours texting her, turning numb in the process.
- dustin came over and i cried really quietly on his shoulder. i have gotten to good at silent crying.
- he made me feel a lot better, but i never really got the whole thing that is going down with sam off my mind.
- she just tweeted that she overreacted and wants to change it but its too late. i sent her a message on facebook (because i am a pussy) asking her if that was about our situation and if it was that it wasn't too late beacause i still want to be friends. if not friends then i don't want to have to feel awkwardly angry around her just because of the way that our friendship ended. if its going to end i don't want it to be an angry end. a calm mutual conclusion that we are no longer really good for eachother would be much better than what is happening.
i feel like a masochist. i keep talking to her even though i know that she is going to fuck me over and hurt me again. it is just hard when a person goes through so much with you and then just decides that they are done with you and wants you out of their life. i think that i might have friend requested her too, i'm not completely sure.
! you dont know the real me.
