a lot of shit has been bothering me lately. really bothering me. so i'll just make a list and get it off my chest that way.

1. pregnancy - we had sex for the first time a couple weeks ago. no problems, minus the awkwardness and whatnot. and then the other day, the second time we've done it, he says that the condom is gone. and its kinda just hanging out in me so i pull it out like 'oh i found it' and then he freaks out and asks me what i will do if i am preggo. i wasn't even worried about it before he said that; i just figured that it came off when he pulled out. which is what i was later told happened. but either way, i am hesitant to do it or anything that could lead to sex anymore. at least until i have birth control or something. that is the only way that i will feel safe. if i am pregnant i think that i will kill myself. hahahahahaha.
2. school - english is really going to bite me in the ass this semester. so are pre-cal and physics. i have been slacking off since we got back from break. and i started some shit with my german teacher, well she actually set me off so i guess that she started it. but i have a research paper, walden, leaves of grass, and the scarlet letter to do for english. i have to make a musical instrument for physics. and i am pretty sure that i am about to have an F in pre-cal. i need to step it up or ask for help or something, i have one more day to learn all of the stuff that i need to know for the quiz that we started one friday.
   
3. the past - fall of '08 i went through a lot. my then 'girlfriend' and my best friend were at odds. before anything romantic happened between any of us we were all really good friends. like the three muskateers or whatever. then we started dating and everything turned to shit. my best friend threatened my gf after my gf said that she wanted my best friend dead. i'm not even sure what started the whole thing anymore. in the end my gf said that i had to choose. like she put me on the spot in school before lunch. i remember the moment perfectly, which says a lot because i have the memory of a goldfish. in the end i lost her and my best friend and me never really had the same relationship after that because she abandoned me too. i got through it with my really good friend tyler helping me and then not too long after that i started dating the boy that i am dating right now. i just live in the past too much.
4. the past repeating itself - right now one of my best friends and my bf are having some kind of strange fight where they want to kill each other. sound familiar? i don't want it to happen to me again. when i did go through it i started testing how many pills my body could tolerate and drinking. not a lot of drinking, but then again it isn't really a good thing for someone 14-15 years old to drink at all anyway. i think that i started cutting myself again around then too. /= blech. i don't handle drama very well. i generally avoid emotional turmoil. i can handle little stuff. it's just when people that i really care about and trust completely just up and decide that i am not important to them anymore i lose it. eh, its whatever. i sent a message to my friend explaining what i think is happening with them and that i don't want to get caught in the middle of another fight like that ever again. i told him that i didn't think i could go through something like that again because they both mean so much to me. what i wanted to add in, but didn't, was that if i was forced to choose like i was with my other people, i would choose my boyfriend. this isn't just some puppy love, teenage phase. i really love this boy. i am pretty sure that we will be together for a long time. and my friend isn't the best at loyalty. i love him too, but i would fall apart if i didn't have my boyfriend. he's pretty much my life right now. i don't know what i would do if i didn't have him. i probably wouldn't be getting out of bed very often, not gonna lie. he's the other half of my soul. that's how it is supposed to feel when you find this person i think. wow i got really off track. i just don't want to have to choose between the two of them and hurt someone and myself.
   
5. old/new friends - i have worked really hard to get my ex-gf to be my friend again. seriously. i've started trying to hang out with her once a week, talking online, texting, helping her with her boyfriends. i don't want her back like that. i just really miss her as my friend. we were almost in separable for three years and then we completely stopped talking to eachother when all that shit went down. we knew each other inside and out. it was one of those friendships that should have lasted forever but then other people came in and made us confused or whatever. anyway, we are finally getting back to where we should be. and then the best friend that i had that threatened her is suddenly back in her life. no warning, no slow moving. they are fast moving to full on best friends like they used to be. i know i should be happy about that, we all three hung out yesterday at the mall and it was scary how much it was like we used to be. but i can't help but feel in adequate and less of a friend. i mean i have put a lot of time and effort into this friendship. for example, i was trying to get her to get out of the house yesterday. she is going through some stuff with her family and i can tell that she is going into depression mode. so i said that we could go to the mall or she could come over and play games with me, watch a movie, take a walk, whatever. and she just said that she didn't feel like getting dressed to go anywhere, that she didn't want to drive, she didn't have enough gas[she lives in the neighborhood across the street], and whatever else it was. my old best friend figured out that i was trying to get her to come somewhere with me, invites herself, gets my ex-gf to come to the mall with us and drive us there. i cried before she picked me up. i cried when we were at the restuarant and both of them went to get food. i cried when i got home. i just feel like i'm not good enough or something. not a good feeling. /=

so that is what has been bothering me. i feel infinitely better now that i have gotten it off of my chest. it's like someone was squeezing my heart and just not loosened their grip. i hope that everything works out.