well some more shit has gone down since the last stupid blog that i wrote complaining about everything that i should be able to handle.
i'll just make a list and then explain whatever i feel like explaining.
friday:

1. hung out with dustin. had a weird scare.
2. spent the night with sam. strangely nice. it is like the calm before a hurricane.

saturday:

1. went to my brother's basketball game. my bestie who it usually there wasn't; i saw a custodian from elementary school that was my favorite and it was really exciting.
2. hung out with sam and emily. it went a lot better than i thought it would. almost like the past never happened. too good to be true, of course.

sunday:

1. went to church. didn't listen; texted myra and read walt whitman instead.
2. made a movie for german with ashley and erin. then we walked to dairy queen.
3. saw dustin for an hour or two. he made the day complete.
4. cried a lot over nothing.

monday:

1. hung out with dustin and trey instead of going to the zoo with sam, emily, and linhart. turned out to be the better choice, but caused me more drama than i need/want.
2. had a fight with sam over her telling a secret that wasn't supposed to get told to the one person that wasn't allowed to know. words were exchanged and she told me to get out of her life and that we were no longer friends after six years of friendship. 
3. that was probably the worst thing to happen so far this year. i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i'm becoming a bad friend and i can see it in the way that i am acting when i compare it to how i used to be. i've become less compassionate and more in your face. i take less shit and am a lot less patient. i think that people have started slowly pushing me out of their lives and i have yet to realize it until today. my only resolution for this year is to change myself into the person that i want to be and not the person that it seems i am becoming. i want people to want to be my friend, not want to get rid of me. 
4. hung out with dustin at my house and made him mac n' cheese. it reminded me a lot of a dream that i had, and that made me smile on the inside. he did really good. went down a path that leads to more lost friendships. really good. best i ever had. ;]
5. wrote this blog and finally came to terms with what is happening  in my life right now.