so there's this boy, the only boy that i have ever really had any strong feelings about. and i am positive that i want to marry him. i want to try and make him happy for the rest of his life. i think that i could do that. and if i can't, then we had better figure it out within the next 2-3 years. i don't know when he wants to get married. i think that is probably a little young, right around when i turn 18. but he will be 22 or 23. yeah that is still young. out of college would be better.
but anyway. i feel like nothing i have ever felt before when i am with him. he makes me really happy. and i love him more than anyone could possibly comprehend. i understand all the love songs, all the poems. i even understand all the break-up songs because i realize that i would feel lost and incomplete without him. it takes me a while to open up and let people see the real me. it does, and it shouldn't. i don't even feel completely comfortable being my own weird self around my best friend. but i don't care when i am with him. he knows me better than everyone.
sometimes i guess he feels like he could do better, but i don't think that there is anything wrong with him at all. he's perfect how he is, with all the weirdness, roughness, and imperfections. i'm not stupid. i know that no one is perfect. i know that we will fight over big stuff and little stuff. we should probably learn what marriage really means legally before we decide to do it. and talk about deep stuff, like how we feel about divorce and marriage and kids and jobs and places to live and education and politics and whatever else might become a problem way down the road. today he said that he thinks abortion is wrong and he wouldn't want anyone he knows to get one. i'm not saying that i exactly support the whole thing, but i don't think that it is necessarily wrong. i think it should be a choice that women should have.
i don't think that our stance on abortion would really ever have an affect on us though. i mean, that's not an issue we have to worry about. if i ever did get pregnant by him when i didn't want to(let's hope that doesn't happen) then i know that i would keep it. i love babies to much to give my own up or let anything happen to it.
i really want to have sex a lot more often then we are right now. three times in four months. haha that's not even worth talking about right now. there was an almost yesterday, but he hasn't brought any condoms two days in a row and even though i said that we should anyway in my head i was going to get really worried if we did. because i don't know if this birth control is actually working like it should.
i mean i get my damn period so often now. and the one that i am having right now disappears after four or five in the afternoons and is back when i wake up. i really don't know what the fuck is going on with my body right now. and i get a period about every two weeks. but this one has lasted about that long. i think so anyway. i can't keep track of fucking anything. all my days blur together. the only thing i can really remember is the last time that i got to see dustin :x which isn't really a good thing. it's good that i remember seeing him but not good that it is the only thing that i remember. you know?
anyway. i got off topic. i have this ring now. he asked me to marry him and i said yes and then we went to a comic book store and it was really boring. haha i am a terrible story teller. i should kill myself.
um...awkward moment.
i think its a pretty ring. i guess its fake. not that it isn't obvious that it is. it is just weird that the engagement ring that i have right now is going to turn my finger green. i should put some fingernail polish on it soon. i am just waiting to see if it really needs it so i don't mess it up or anything. i showed kayla and she got so happy for me(: i don't want to get too happy because i don't want to wake up and have it go away. i don't know why i said that. i know it won't go away...i just...
i don't want anything to radically change.
i think i might look into IU Bloomington and IUPUI to see if they have any majors that i want there. Callie goes to IUPUI. i saw her sunday at chinese. i miss her in german class a lot. jessica said that i should go to IU so we can live together. :3 i like jessica. i am glad that i got to spend some more time with her at meredith's.
omg so i really meant to make this whole blog about dustin and i just got so distracted from everything so much. i suppose that means that i should stop.
i need to get friends that i can talk to about this kind of stuff and they will actually care/listen to me. -sigh- (i actually sighed out loud so it is okay to put that).
tomorrow is 4/20. the anniversary of the columbine shootings and pot day. go wild.