i've been really lonely and angry lately. short temper and no patience. and sad. i will now tell my mother that when i don't see my boo i get unpleasant. because it is true. i spend some time with him with i got home and was way better. the day that we got back he surprised me by coming to see me. :3 at midnight. but right before he came over i was about to cry and right when i saw him i felt instantly better. and then i went to sleep happy. and the next day he came over after he woke up, at five in the afternoon, and we spend what was left of that day together. and it was really fun. we laughed a lot. and i loved it. probably one of my favorite summer memories. not that i am going to tell anyone that. i've spend my whole summer in hotel rooms with my family. that is not where i want to be. not even anywhere close. i'm not really a family person. spending time with them is pretty much a punishment to me. so spending weeks without end with them is pretty intolerable to me. and i absolutely cannot stand it. i can't get away from them. someone is always following me around or calling me and asking where i am and why i am not there. it is terrible. i don't want to live like this. the only person i want to share a living space with is dustin. he is the only person that doesn't set me off. i mean, i can deal with sam and i absolutely love taylor and tyler and alaine. they just don't make me feel how dustin makes me feel. calm and happy and wonderful. i love that he loves me like i love him. he is  a really great guy. a weird guy. and that makes him even more appealing to me. i wouldn't mind a little more sex than we aren't having right now. i almost want to say "FUCK CONDOMS!" every time we have a chance but he doesn't have one. i have no chances to buy them. poo. maybe i will. no. i can't do that because i am about to go on vacation for a week or whatever with my whole family. they would find the condoms and it would be a terrible time. so i guess i will just wait until i get home and walk with melissa to cvs or something. i think that would be good. i got distracted by the chappelle show for a minute and lost my train of thought. i just spent a couple days with sam at her sister's house so i wouldn't have to go to my grandparents' house here in kokomo. but then i ended up coming to kokomo anyway to go to my dad's house. which is pretty damn boring. at least i have a bed though. and i have been on my stepmom's laptop the majority of the time. but i don't know what happened to dustin. he probably fell asleep. i watched youth in revolt! oh my god i loved michael cera's character. i could fall for a guy like that. i mean, who couldn't. i've got a better boyfriend though. nick twisp has a weird name but he isn't quite weird enough for me. and that one time he did shrooms. so you know. actually, i really want to smoke. cigarettes, not anything else. but i was talking to dustin about it and i know that he doesn't like it and he seemed angry so i said that i wouldn't do it and he said good. so while i was at sam's sister's and there was an abundance of cigs and i was offered one i almost went for it but then i remembered that i said i wouldn't so i didn't. and i felt guilty for even wanting to. i need to stop worrying about what other people think and do what i want. but i guess it is good that i feel guilty. it is like dustin keeps saving my life. because those cigarettes really would kill me eventually. i should go to sleep. i am just going to watch this show until the commercial and then change and go to sleep. YES. i sleep in my boyfriend's shirt, pants, and hug his hoodie. i'll admit it. and i know that it is weird. none of the clothes smell like him. i just feel better with all that on and around me.
good night.