post 100.
actually just posting that this is the 100th post made me feel better. i don't know if i even need to write anything anymore. i think i just feel sick from taking too many pills again. i don't know where the depression comes from though. it just comes up behind me and sweeps me off my feet. sweeps, as in takes a broom and hit my legs with it until i fall to the ground broken and crying. not the other kind. everyone has something going on. everyone has people they want to see, things they want to do. and for the most part they do them. i just go off and do things that i don't want to do with people i don't want to see. it doesn't help the situation. and now i'm not sure if the people i want to see even want to see me. i'm better off knowing no one; there is no disappointment if there is no hope. you know? i don't think this is how i should be talking. i just remembered the razors in my room. i need to wash my hands. there is bleach on them. and i need to take a shower. but that will have to wait until morning. have you ever seen the notebook? i want to love like that. where every second we need to kiss or touch or something. i don't want to love where we sit in angry uncomfortable silence or have one word conversations. i want more. i can't ask for it because i'm afraid. i'm afraid he won't want it or need it. i'm afraid when he gets bored with me he will cast me away. every promise can be broken. words don't mean anything. i can't trust anyone not to leave me. damn the trust issues. i'll blame it on my best friend dating me, cheating on me, walking all over me, controlling me, and casting me aside. i don't know. that seems to be what is freaking me out and holding me back with everything. fear of change and confrontation. i want to say so much but so little actually makes it out into the world. i want big things to happen. i want small things to happen. i want to be a different person. i want to be free of jealousy and anger. but that won't ever happen. i can't make it happen because i'm not good enough to be or have any of that. i'll have to make do with what i am.
anyway. i am hungry and tired and restless and worn down. i feel like throwing up and crying my eyes out. my hands smell like chlorine and my hair is covered in oil. i don't want to clean off my bed so i will be sleeping on top of things. i just want to him to be here with me and tell me that everything is okay and will be okay. and that he loves me. and have him kiss me and hug me. and lay with me until i fall asleep. i want to feel safe. i want to feel how i feel when i am with him. i want to see his gorgeous eyes and not be afraid anymore.
now that i'm crying i think that i'm done. i still don't want people to know what i say, so i am still covering it up.
this time with a weird picture of justin bieber deep throating a dildo.